Fun Malawi Facts

Malawi is a hella-intriguing country when you start to peel back a few layers. It makes me wonder what else I would have discovered in my travels had I spent longer in one place.

Fact: A few weeks after I arrived in the country, a coup plot was foiled. If Malawians weren't so darn nice the country might have descended into anarchy! OK perhaps that's an exaggeration. The papers are accusing the former president of orchestrating the government's demise, but more probably than not it was just a ploy to throw the guy in jail, eliminating some uncertainty in the next election.

Fact: "It's not uncommon for Malawi to go 8 months without rain." I stole that from the water conservation note posted above all the sinks at our hostel, but I'm assuming its true. I've been here for 2 months now and I haven't seen a drop, even though the sky has assumed biblical posture on several occasions lately, so it's only a matter of time.

Fact: Speaking of the weather, who knew Africa could get so freaking cold? Because we're in the Southern hemisphere, Malawi's in the dead of winter now. Mind you that doesn't kill off the palm trees, but this morning at 6:30 when I was shaving, there was steam pouring off my face it was so cold. Lesley hasn't taken off her winter jacket for a week. In all fairness it's warm during the day in the sun; but it gets down to about 5 degrees at night.

Fact: sweet Jesus this place is polluted. I swear there are zero emissions controls on any of the vehicles here, which causes a nice blueish haze to sit over the city. Sometimes the trucks are so decrepit that Les and I get engulfed in a noxious cloud during the walk to work. It must be funny to watch Les and I turn to each other on the street, one of these behemoths barreling down on us, while we yell in unison "ahhh shit not again!" One day a few weeks ago our eyes were burning all day. Those carcinogens are combined with the fires burning everywhere. Drainage ditch getting a little clogged? Light it up. Grass too long for your taste? Fire is the answer. "Hmm, how are we going to empty this dumpster?" Set that mother on fire, baby. It leads to some pretty rank smells in the morning and I'm glad I don't eat a big breakfast anymore.

Fact: I don't know how to put this tactfully. Many of the locals smell bad. Real bad. Sometimes its so bad that, strangely, it almost smells delicious. From time to time you are stuck next to them on the bus. And you can't blame anybody - some people literally can't afford soap.

Fact: Malawi is one of the poorest countries in the world (12th poorest per capita on purchasing power parity). Per capita income is $600 per year, or about 4 trips to the ATM for me, which means I generally have way too much money in my wallet at any given time, and I feel pretty guilty about it sometimes. At the same time, my own experience tells me that Malawi has to be one of the countries most saturated with humanitarian organizations.

Fact: The first recorded naval victory of World War I came out of Malawi. How is that possible in a landlocked country? Well before the war the area was a British protectorate, whereas the area that is now Tanzania was in German hands, and Mozambique under Portuguese control. The Brits, in 1899, decided it would be a good idea to put up a show of force in the region and decided to send a 340 ton warship, in parts, from Scotland to Malawi and put it together here so it could patrol the lake. The Germans did the same shortly after. I'm going to steal someone else's paragraph to explain the rest as I'm lazy.

"The Germans also had a gunboat on the lake, the Hermon von Wisseman, and the two captains were reportedly the best of friends, often meeting up somewhere around the lake for a drink. In 1914 when war was declared the Guendolin was ordered to destroy the Wisseman. The British captain knew were the Wisseman would be because the two captains had arranged to meet for one of their regular drinks. The German captain was unaware that war had been declared and was completely caught by surprise as the Guendolin steamed up and opened fire, putting the German ship out of action and taking the crew as prisoners of war. The Guendolin remained in government service until 1940 when she was sold to Nyasaland Railways and converted to a passenger ship; she was broken up for scrap four years later."

Other 'smack you in the face' extreme stats:
- Malawi's main exports are tobacco, tea and sugar. Which finally explains why I've been using those 3 products so frequently
- There's this inexplicable tendency for Malawian professional men to wear their ties incredibly short. Halfway-down-the-chest short. It's hilarious.
- Madonna's new adopted child is from Malawi and she currently holds an honourary citizenship from the government.
- And not to end on a depressing note: Malawi suffered a famine a couple years ago. This is largely because the first president had exclusive control over the country, and he made everyone plant maize (corn - which incidentally is not native to Africa but comes from South America). Not the most stable crop, this is changing now. Don't worry, we're doin fine down here.

I'm off to the bar!!